The curtain call on Act One of this performance is close at hand. My sentencing hearing is scheduled for March 6, 2015. Would appreciate any good vibes you might flow my way...please!?! My friend Allen left this morning. He was here in "the tank" for eleven months. I've known him for three months pluse three weeks. We have had many late night talks about religion, God, Spirit, politics, jail, the weather and THE HAWKS!! He too hated the tank-noise so he slept during the day and enjoyed the quiet 'tween midnight and breakfast at 4:30 AM. Talking with him was an exercise in complete focus. He has a very solft voice and a strong Filipino accent. Our chats required that I pay total attention...TOTAL...as in mindfulness training! I had to avoid the temptation...actually the habit of my mind...to begin formulating my response BEFORE he finished his thought. I had to BE HERE NOW!! After a while, it became delightful to wait - take a breath, then let Spirit volley a reply back to him. The exciting and scary part was I didn't know what I was going to say until I spoke. I will miss him. In essence, he gave me my very first experience of being in the moment WITHOUT closing my eyes to meditate or "become mindful". THANK YOU ALLEN!! How rare, how lovely To find a friend in this hell. We part sans regrets I watched the morning light chase away the darkness as it ascended over the eastern horizon. It looked like it might be a bright winter Seattle day. But the sun lost its battle with the clouds and vanished. Southern view displays Cotton-ball cumulus clouds Whisper as they pass The northwest dull gray outside is indistinguishable from the depressing gray floors, ceiling, and walls here inside "the tank". I wonder if some color in the tank would help inmates feel happier - less aggressive. The composition in "the tank" has changed over the past week. There have been two fist fights and several angry verbal arguments. The fisticuffs combatants are handcuffed and hauled off to "the hole"...aka solitary. Sometimes the TV privilege is taken away (for which I am secretly grateful!). This works to make the tribe furious at those who caused the ruckus.
Occasionally these physically demonstrative quarrels nudge my PTSD awake so I retreat to my bunk...and depending upon my strength, I cry...or I sleep...or I practice a session of deep breathing...and Hoohponopono. On those deep breathing days, it doesn't take long for me to find my balance. My psych-docs tell me I'm resilient! I bounce back quickly! The resilience allows them to feel okay about me staying in such stressful situations and I am the only one who FEELS the darkness of my depressive sleeps! NEWSFLASH!! I think I've foiled the guards predilection for destroying my family fotos during their "sweeps" (aka tossing the tank). Seems when I put the fotos on the wall (using toothpaste as my glue!) I'm using government property...that being THE WALL!! Hence the fotos get ripped down, crumpled and left on the less-than-pristine floor of "the tank". BRIGHT IDEA!??? Create something upon which to put the fotos so that THE GOVERNMENT WALL is not involved/abused. I've created a montage...fotos toothpasted onto the cardboard which backs my "writing tablet" of lined paper. I paid for the paper...the government did NOT so I'm' hopeful this will end the destruction of MY property!?!@# Can't think of a fitting closing...so... Later Gator
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AuthorPatrick Michael Leonard Archives
August 2020
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