The curtain call on Act One of this performance is close at hand. My sentencing hearing is scheduled for March 6, 2015. Would appreciate any good vibes you might flow my way...please!?! My friend Allen left this morning. He was here in "the tank" for eleven months. I've known him for three months pluse three weeks. We have had many late night talks about religion, God, Spirit, politics, jail, the weather and THE HAWKS!! He too hated the tank-noise so he slept during the day and enjoyed the quiet 'tween midnight and breakfast at 4:30 AM. Talking with him was an exercise in complete focus. He has a very solft voice and a strong Filipino accent. Our chats required that I pay total attention...TOTAL...as in mindfulness training! I had to avoid the temptation...actually the habit of my mind...to begin formulating my response BEFORE he finished his thought. I had to BE HERE NOW!! After a while, it became delightful to wait - take a breath, then let Spirit volley a reply back to him. The exciting and scary part was I didn't know what I was going to say until I spoke. I will miss him. In essence, he gave me my very first experience of being in the moment WITHOUT closing my eyes to meditate or "become mindful". THANK YOU ALLEN!! How rare, how lovely To find a friend in this hell. We part sans regrets I watched the morning light chase away the darkness as it ascended over the eastern horizon. It looked like it might be a bright winter Seattle day. But the sun lost its battle with the clouds and vanished. Southern view displays Cotton-ball cumulus clouds Whisper as they pass The northwest dull gray outside is indistinguishable from the depressing gray floors, ceiling, and walls here inside "the tank". I wonder if some color in the tank would help inmates feel happier - less aggressive. The composition in "the tank" has changed over the past week. There have been two fist fights and several angry verbal arguments. The fisticuffs combatants are handcuffed and hauled off to "the hole"...aka solitary. Sometimes the TV privilege is taken away (for which I am secretly grateful!). This works to make the tribe furious at those who caused the ruckus.
Occasionally these physically demonstrative quarrels nudge my PTSD awake so I retreat to my bunk...and depending upon my strength, I cry...or I sleep...or I practice a session of deep breathing...and Hoohponopono. On those deep breathing days, it doesn't take long for me to find my balance. My psych-docs tell me I'm resilient! I bounce back quickly! The resilience allows them to feel okay about me staying in such stressful situations and I am the only one who FEELS the darkness of my depressive sleeps! NEWSFLASH!! I think I've foiled the guards predilection for destroying my family fotos during their "sweeps" (aka tossing the tank). Seems when I put the fotos on the wall (using toothpaste as my glue!) I'm using government property...that being THE WALL!! Hence the fotos get ripped down, crumpled and left on the less-than-pristine floor of "the tank". BRIGHT IDEA!??? Create something upon which to put the fotos so that THE GOVERNMENT WALL is not involved/abused. I've created a montage...fotos toothpasted onto the cardboard which backs my "writing tablet" of lined paper. I paid for the paper...the government did NOT so I'm' hopeful this will end the destruction of MY property!?!@# Can't think of a fitting closing...so... Later Gator
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A few days ago I was talking with a tribe member and he reminded me that many of the jails/prisons are now run by corporations. Corporations are people too....is that a quote from Mitt Romney running through my mind?? That got me thinking about recidivism again. Corporations live, breathe and survive on ...mmmm...profits, right?? Seems they depend on new "customers" and/or "repeat customers"...just like the Priority Club at Holiday Inn, eh? If the bed is empty, they lose money...profits, remember? This does not bode well for a lower recidivism rate, does it?? Of course, the prisoner does NOT have to fall back into criminal behavior, but one does wonder....does a corporation feel motivated to attempt to rehabilitate the inmates?? OR is there some hope...even untoward...that s/he might return and thereby fill another bed...increase profits?? Anyone out there with an opinion on this??? Just curious... Ahhhh...it has been foggy here in the NW these days...so foggy this morning that i cannot see the freeway which is approximately 100 yards from my "slit-window"! There's a poem...by....mmmmm....who wrote this: Fog, cat, harbor, haunches, quiet?? ** It's times like this that I miss Google yet, in the past couple of months, I've surprised myself at what I can recall! :) I found a search engine between my ears! HAH! Think I mentioned that I have requested to be moved to a different jail, one that has 1-2 man cells vs this 20 man slumber party I have been occupying for over 90 days. Perhaps I'll get a much better sleep. Hopefully more sleep will mean less depression. BUT...I will be giving up my "slit-window" and the perfect view of Mt. Rainier. Seeing Rainier almost every day is a bit like that O'Henry story...the one about the ivy leaf painted on the wall. (Editor's note: found that story at http://learningenglish.voanews.com/content/a-23-2009-07-31-voa2-83141882/117083.html. You can listen or read!) The leaf that didn't fall throughout the autumn and winter kept the bedridden woman alive. Seeing her (the mountain Rainier!) reminds me that I have the strength to get through this. I have days that feel as tho' I am one catalyst away from totally crashing. Then I look out the window and see the sun gently kissing Rainier, making her blush a pale pink. As I watch, she speaks to me.... "It will all be good, it will all work out." Here's a haiku...just feels right: Everything that was
Has vanished from my aged heart Leaving not a trace - Lio Sogi (1421-1502) Well, it's been an interesting week...or has it been 10 days?!@# I told KK yesterday that this time in jail has been a little like running a marathon. Keepng my emotions above despondency has been difficult. I have stumbled and fallen. And I have gotten up and kept moving forward. On January 15, I fell and decided I couldn't get up...it simply was not worth getting up one more time! I just sat down and said ENOUGH...I QUIT!! That day, my scheduled day in court was once again extended out another week. The finish line keeps getting moved and it's frustrating not knowing when this will all end. I was a little blue about the delay. Then, after dinner, "the tank" was searched...tossed...swept....whatever word you use, it happened again. I have witnessed and been "victim" of this standard operating procedure several times. I returned from "the hearing" to find all your cards and letters scattered on my bunk and on the floor. Pictures of my family had been ripped off the wall and crumpled. AND my commissary food (treasured commodities in here!) was given the same treatment. Cups of soup were on the floor and on my bed. I think that's really when I gave up...instead of putting everything back in neat little piles, I pulled over "the tank" garbage can and threw it all away!! Then I jumped into bed and fell into a deep, deep sleep. When I awoke and realized what I had done, the blues gave way to depression. I threw away letters and cards and articles that were important...very important...to me and my existence in "the tank". Those pieces of paper were evidence...PROOF that people cared about me! I stopped writing and stopped reading. I stopped eating. I just slept! The 1/15/15 court date had been moved out to 1/22/15. Guess what happened?? YUP!! Extended out to 2/2/15! The wheels of justice??? It's now Sunday, January 25 and I am feeling a bit better - ergo this blog post. Not sure how I will make it to the finish line...if they keep moving it away from me...but I have decided I will try. I've requested to be moved to a different jail. The new location has one and two man cells rather than my current 20 man tank. The noise factor would be better and I would finally get a good night's sleep...I hope! Three months with the lights on and people talking all night long do not make for a restful night...and somewhere I read our nation is filled with folks who cannot sleep, which leads to diabetes and depression as well as accidents in vehicles of all kinds. When I look back over the past ten days, I cannot remember much of it. My lawyer came twice to ask questions and tell me more about my case. If only I could recall the conversations - HA!! I feel as tho' muck, a foot deep, has encased my brain, dulling my senses, obstructing my ability to think clearly or interpret what I hear. Well, I won't worry about what I cannot recall. I will focus on the present once again...and look forward to a meaningful life... Hope you are each well and chanting....
GO HAWKS!! Sometime in the early 1990's, David Cooperrider (along with Suresh Srivastva at Case Western Reserve) started using a model for decision-making called Appreciative Inquiry when he was hired to assess an organization's strengths and weaknesses. In years prior when an Organizational Design Specialist was hired, s/he looked for what was wrong in the company and set about to fix it. With this new perspective, Cooperrider started asking employees with whom he worked..."What do you like most about your job? What here enlivens you?".
I think it was Niels Bohr, the physicist who said you get what you look for. If you look for a particle in physics, that is what you will find. Look for a wave and you will find a wave. The scientist has an impact upon the experiment...right? Dr. Cooperrider took this concept from physics to organizations and started looking for what was right in the companies with which he consulted...what was working not what was "broken"! He affected change by improving on what was already working instead of focusing on what was not! Although "the tank" is a long way from my graduate school studies and is NOT an organization in the most common sense of the word, perhaps I can improve my attitude by being more appreciative. Maybe I can look for what IS working, what is "right"? Could this room be filled with positive thoughts, feelings, creativity and desires? I think ... YES! As an example, during the past three months I have complained about the food, the bedding, the uniform and on and on and on. Last week we had a couple of homeless men assigned to "the tank". They were "beyond delighted" to be dry and warm, to have a blanket and sheets and clean clothes. They didn't have to "dumpster dive" for their meals. They were APPRECIATIVE for things I had complained about over my time here. What did I learn from my "appreciative self-inquiry"? Perspective is relative...and a choice. I was myopic in assessing my circumstance in such a negative light. What I will do in the coming days is to consider events with a 360-degree perspective...mmm...circum spect? My intention is to "look for what is working...what is right!". Wish me luck in this new endeavor... That's it for today. OH! The sunrise was magical. The shades and hues of pink, rush and magenta were "beyond description"! Suffice it to say, the event made me appreciative! Been sick for about a week. First it was a chest cold, then a head cold and then back into my chest....an indecisive cold. I slept alot and missed being "cared for". No one brought me chicken noodle soup. No one put a hand on my back and whispered "It will be alright.". No one changed my bedding. Being sick with family/friends around to comfort is nonetheless suffering; however, being sick in a cold concrete jail cell was UNIMAGINABLE until last week. This week has been suffering with a pinch of lonely and a dash of despair. The situation made me realized that i have not hugged my wife in three months. Something we did everyday is missing! I haven't held her hand or caressed her cheek with my hand...in all that time. I have not been touched in 90 days!!! Oh, the tribesmen do the Obama fist-bump from time-to-time and I get to participate yet knuckles on knuckles doesn't feel like touching...not really. I think I remember reading years ago that a baby who is never touched will die! This makes me wonder how touch might affect the mood, the temper, the psyche of men in custody...AKA tribesmen in "the tank"! As mentioned in earlier blogs, "the tank" has many verbal arguments and a few fist fights have occurred over the past 90 days. What if "the system" invited massage students to "practice" for certification...on inmates? Would there be fewer fights? Would there be fewer Code BLUE episodes? Oh, not a full body massage but rather a fifteen-minute neck and back "kneading" ... in a chair...like those offered at the airport?? I know the jail keeps records of the number of Code Blues (i.e. the number of times that EMS comes to "the tank"). Wish I could figure a way to challenge the jail to experiment with the idea for 120 days; then compare the results to the historical record. I'll bet there would be less anger in "the tank". AND I would bet there would be a "cost saving" as well! (Remember, I = accountant??!!) ALAS, the system is so complex that I would not know where to begin?! I think acupuncture could have a similar positive impact on "the system"...both microcosm and macrocosm. AND, like massage, there are students begging for bodies on which to practice. AND what about the guards?@# Less stress makes every body their best?? Okay...enough of that!! Moments of awakening?!@#? I rarely listen to what spews out of the TV. The little box is blaring for fourteen hours each and every day. Mostly I block it out as I read or write. However, every now and again, I hear a snippet of something - usually when I am pondering how to structure the next sentence in this blog!?@# A few minutes ago I heard Russell Wilson, the Seahawks quarterback, answer a reporter's question (which I did not hear) by quoting The Book of James, Trials and Temptations. Wilson said "Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials." Since I heard it, and his words did not immediately evaporate from my consciousness, I decided to look up the full passage. (YUP, there are plenty of Bibles in jail for such research!) In the Book of James, there are eighteen verses in Chapter One. What I get when I read it...and re-read it...is that I am to consider my current situation with PURE JOY and to PERSEVERE, for in the perseverance, I will become "mature and complete", not lacking anything. As you probably recall, I've read these words from Viktor Frankel and Pema Chodron. NOW I hear them from Russell Wilson. NOW I AM A BELIEVER!!! :) Seriously, I am beginning to GET IT!! Well, that's all for today...gotta get ready for Seahawks vs Panthers. GO HAWKS! Russell Wilson - 3
Doug Baldwin - 89 PURE JOY...right????? by germs in "the tank"! Patrick has been working with energy meridians and tapping and KoolAid packets (with vitamin C in them) to take out the bad guy bugs who invaded his body and took over his chest, his throat, his nose and his head! In other words, he's suffering with a cold...don't ask about healthcare in a jail....just know his body is busy healing itself as best it can... in spite of cold food, cold water and cold air circulating around him!! HE SHALL RETURN!!!!
Editor's Note:
Patrick's blog was recently accepted/published by The Good Men Project (GMP) at www.goodmenproject.com. This site consists of essays written by ordinary people struggling with the challenges of daily living. Patrick was introduced to GMP about three years ago while working thru his issues of PTSD and abuse. During that time, he wrote an article (the backstory for this blog, you might say!) which you can read by going to http://goodmenproject.com/families/my-life-as-a-hermit-crab/ (PS Apologies from this editor who cannot' figger out' how to get these links to work?!@# You will have to cut and paste if you wish to read the above stories?!# BOOOOO HISSSS!!) Patrick asked me to submit his blog to GMP because he was touched by the many stories shared there as well as the caring that humans bring to each other in a community which does not hesitate to discover and uncover the darker side of our condition here on Planet E. Now he asked that I "link" you to their site in hopes that you may discover/uncover more...MORE about your world...your community....your life and its impact on Our world! My oh my....2015!! Yesterday I watched the final sunrise of 2014. The colors reflecting off clouds looked like fireworks in slow motion. It was both beautiful and breathtaking in the same moments! I am so grateful for my little "slit-window". Throughout the day, Mountain Rainier ( Just FYI, my children when young, never called it Mt. Rainier, always Mountain Rainier.) stood tall and strong, reminding me that I can do the same. I cannot see the sun set yet I can observe the gentle hand of twilight as it covers the mountain in the soft blankets of nightfall. Slowly, slowly her silhouette fades as she falls asleep. What silhouette shall I leave here ... another haiku? Nite nite Mt. Rainier That which lights you up has set, Stars now shine on you. Normally, ten o'clock at night is "lights out" and TV off; however, last night the guard allowed "the tank" to watch ol' Father Time hand the new year to the Innocent Babe...what will s/he do with 2015? Let's encourage and intend that our leaders may lead from their hearts and show compassion while looking for solutions "outside the Beltway" (is that like outside the box???). In a gentle way, you can shake the world.
Mahatma Gandhi My spirits are on the uptick today. The morning sunrise was inspiring, strikingly colorful and mesmerizing. I could not take my eyes off it. I watch ol' Sol give Rainier a morning bath, then rise up ready to chase Mister Moon across the heavens and over the western horizon. A glorious way to start a day!
Another fisticuffs situation today...UGH! I heard it but I didn't see it. I was under my blanket practicing morning prayers so I decided to stay with something positive and not turn over to watch the action. When I heard what I thought was a fist hitting a skull, it was difficult to focus yet I persisted. There was lots of grunting, extremely vulgar language and the sound of slapping. "The tank" woke up and began voicing encouragement to "hit him again" and "he's down, kick'im". I heard someone say "The guard is just standin' there watchin'." At some point over the loudspeaker came "Code Blue, Code Blue...seven south, upper B". That's us! Both tribesmen were taken to the hole and their bunks are now ready for new tenants. Welcome to my world...a world that would have once terrified me into a dark place now becomes a movie of sorts, where I am amazed at "man's inhumanity to man". No longer a small boy living in fear of the man who might beat me, I am a good man who is saddened by the world in which I find myself. I think I have an addiction (tongue in cheek here!). This morning the commissary brought coffee to all who had the coins to order it! I was one of the fortunate. Haven't had a cuppa for 10 days...count 'em...TEN DAYS! After my first cup (made with the hottest tap water I can find at 6AM ...from the bathroom pipes!), I was amazingly content. After the second mug, my body was completely satisfied. Is coffee the REAL MEANING OF LIFE?? :) Of course not...but "the tank" seems lighthearted at the moment....that counts for a meaningful HOORAY! Just saw an ad for HnR Block. Felt like I was kicked in the gut. I won't be helping taxpayers this year...or ever again. I'm an Enrolled Agent (EA), licensed by the Department of the Treasury. (Google that one...EA!) I have had forty years of experience representing clients before the IRS. When I am sentenced, that license will disappear! I'm aware of how much my self-esteem is connected to being a "professional" and it does hurt to lose that EA designation. I don't have the vocabulary to describe that pain that the HnR Block ad caused me. About twenty minutes later there was a similar ad for Jackson Hewitt. Tis the season. I'll be seeing many of these TV spots in the weeks to come. I hope I get used to them. MAIL!! I love receiving cards and letters....wink, wink, nod, nod! Got two letters this afternoon...call me Happy Camper! :) I also received two books yet I am uncertain about the source of these gifts!! By the time they get to me, books have all traces of mailing and all reference to the sender destroyed. SO I will list the author and title and say THANK YOU right here! It's such a challenge to be stimulated intellectually in "the tank". Reading and writing gives me a chance to get into my head so MANY THANKS FOR ALL THE BOOKS!! Received: Lullaby Town by Robert Craig and Mirage by Clive Cussler....for now, if you're reading this, you know who you are...and I THANK YOU FOR THE GREAT GIFTS!! What I really miss is a lively conversation...oh well, must be part of the punishment! One more 2014 sunrise tomorrow...I'll be there to watch it! AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY for anyone born on December 31. Call your parents and remind them of the tax deduction you game them...HAH! Next post will be next year...2015...an 8 year...no idea what that means?!@# Anybody out there know?? OVER AND OUT... Tossing the tank...My home, "the tank", was "tossed again tonight. Seven guards sneak up the stairs, burst into our quarters, yelling and screaming "Stop what you're doing! Don't move! Stand still!". I'm reminded of a childhood game...red light, green light. The lead guard, the first thru the door, always has a certain look on his face and he carries a large canister of mace. Once our custodians are sure we aren't hiding any contraband, we are marched out to "the yard"...a room with vents that allow the chilly air of the out of doors to come inside. The guards line us up facing away from them, legs spread apart, arms overhead, palms flat on the wall...what once was excruciating in terms of shame is now just "another night in the tank"! With enthusiasm, they check our legs, arms and torsos. Then they "hook" their thumbs inside the waistband of our undies (at the hips) and shake us. You'd be surprised at what falls out and down the various pant legs: pills, sugar packets, Koolaid packages, yeast!! When we return to "the tank", it looks as tho' Homeland Security was called in to search for weapons of mass destruction. But my bunk space is only twenty-one square feet so it's doesn't take long to "put it right" again. DepressionIt probably started with the holidays or maybe the holidays were the tipping point. Months of being in "the tank" have taken their toll. I feel like I've dropped down to the next lower level in Dante's Inferno. I think there are twelve levels. Twelve...mmmmm. Twelve Israelite Tribes - Twelve Zodiac Signs - Twelve Hours in a day - Twelve Months in a year - Twelve Stations of the Cross. Even The Brothers Karamazov is written in Twelve Books. Twelve seems to be an important number. But I digress; forgive me...it's not easy keeping a focus in "the tank" while the tribal warriors hoot and holler at the guests (or are they really contestants?) on Gerry?Jerry Springer. The composition of "the tank" has changed once again. The air is thick with anger and aggression (YUP...more bloody fisticuffs!). We have a man convicted of second degree murder with us, awaiting his transfer to prison. And another tribesman who is awaiting sentencing for a domestic violence incident. I thought this tank was for minimum security inmates. I was wrong! We are part of THE GENERAL POPULATION! I also thought I was finished with the five stages of grief yet it seems I keep spiraling back around to DEPRESSION. An old friend used to tell me when he was melancholy that he was feeling "lower than a snake's hips!". THAT IS LOW and, well, that's how I feel today. I tried reading Pema Chodron. That didn't help. I could not concentrate on her words. Sometimes re-reading the cards and letters ya'll have sent to me pulls me up. I'll give that a try after I take a nap. The nap started out fitful but I finally slipped into a deep sleep. When I woke, I read your letters again and I feel a little better. THANK YOU!! I am amazed and humbled at the number of people who still care about me. Missing mama earth...I often think...if only I could go for a walk in nature. That would cheer me up. This concrete box is beginning to be claustrophobic for me. I'm getting "cabin fever" or maybe it's tank fever, eh?
I have many memories of being in nature...camping with my wife...and my children... hiking... backpacking alone off trail...standing atop Mt. Adams...climbing to Camp Muir with my son on Mt. Rainier at 10,000 feet. These recollections are a little like fog...when I reach for them, they dissolve. Will I ever again touch a tree? I can see Mt. Rainier (on the days when she's not being bashful!) from my "slit-window". Realizing that truth makes me grateful. I could be in an upper bunk without a window. I must agree with Zig Ziglar...gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions. Three more days remain on the 2014 calendar. What will they bring? Hoping they bring each of you a very Happy New Year as I continue to ponder... |
AuthorPatrick Michael Leonard Archives
August 2020
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