As of October 17, 2014, I live with 18 men who range in age from late 20's to mid 50's and they are as diverse as the population on the streets of any large city. They are extroverts for the most part; therefore, they spend their time talking...sometimes yelling and sometimes fighting. When they all talk at the same time, the sound reverberates in this concrete box...off the walls, the floor and the ceiling... giving me a headache. It is very similar to the sound you hear in an enclosed swimming pool or a basketball court. The noise starts at 8 in the morning and stops around 1 the next morning. I have been here for over a month and I am still not used to the CONSTANT NOISE!
I am the only one in here who has never been in jail before. When a new man arrives, it is not uncommon to see "high fives" and hear "Hey, man, what did you do this time?" This is a culture I did not know existed! And I don't understand it...yet. These "old friends" seem genuinely happy to see each other. They sit for hours and reminisce about "the crimes" they have committed and how they are certain they will not get "caught" next time. I am continuously amazed...and dazed by the community in which I find myself. I have heard talk about how to properly burgle both a car and a home. When it comes to transporting drugs, the advice is to put them in a box that attaches to the undercarriage of your vehicle. If you get stopped, you can say "It's not mine, anyone could have put that there." Apparently since the drugs are not inside the car, it is a reasonable assumption. One I will not ever test! This group of men are not educated in schools as we think of them yet they are infinitely creative and they have been well-schooled...of that there is no doubt. At 67 years young, I am clearly the oldest "tribe member". Some call me OG, which I think means "Old Guy". Others call me "Old School", "Pops" or "Dad". They treat me with respect, for which I am grateful, and some seek my counsel. From time to time, someone will approach me as I sit on my bunk. The question is asked? "Is the doctor in?" Sometimes this becomes a session of idle chit-chat and sometimes it's something more heart-centered. I imagine I am thought of as someone with whom they can ease their bravado...no need to impress "Pops"! There are moments when I feel like Lucy in the Peanuts cartoon strip; however, instead of receiving 25 cents for my time, I get an extra apple or orange, maybe a banana. Not knowing what the future holds for me has been a real challenge! The uncertainty has driven me to depression and despair at times. A few weeks ago, my daughter sent me three small books by a Buddhist monk named Pema Chodron. I started reading When Things Fall Apart and, as I read the first chapters, I realized I was spending my waking day of 16-18 hours sitting on my bed, thinking about the past and the future. Pema suggested that I spend some time "HERE" ...in this moment of NOW. I gave it a try and found that it is actually quite pleasant. NOW when I find myself spiraling into the past or disabled by fear about my future, I do a little mindful meditation. I cannot be "in the present" and lament the past or worry for the future at the same time! Today I am choosing...more and more...to be here and now. That's it for today. Hope you had a wonderful giving thanks day!
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The fighting and bickering started at breakfast, a few minutes ago. It's reminiscent of "turkey days" from my childhood. Why do I have to keep seeing this movie?
You see, food is used as a kind of gambling currency here in "the tank". During last night's card game, this morning's regular serving of bread was used to bet. We have one tribe member who repeatedly tried to "get one over" on his mates. When he loses, he makes himself small and quiet, hoping not to have to 'pay up'! On the other hand, when he wins, he grabs his "food-booty" off the breakfast tray without respecting anyone's personal space. "The tank", at the current full tenancy of 19 men, is physically and emotionally tight quarters. As he merrily snatched bread off the tray, looking like a four year old seizing candy from a ruptured pinata, he took TWO slices when he was only entitled to one! His smug demeanor...the early hour [We are startled awake with a booming voice announcing "Breakfast, Gentlemen"...one or two minutes before the trays arrive so around 5:25!]...the fact that today is Thanksgiving and we are here instead of "home" with family...all those circumstances lit the argument like a match to dry twigs! The more rational tribesmen tried to quell the row by reminding the group that we could "lose TV if this fight doesn't stop...remember there's a Seahawks game today!". It took a few minutes yet the threat of losing the TV/babysitter choked the life out of the quarrel. Whew! What a way to kick off 'Giving Thanks Day'! I like this time of day. It's probably about 6 AM now and "the tank" is sleeping. All is quiet on the western front. I know that quote but cannot remember where it comes from. Maybe it's a book title...Hemingway? Just a short month ago, I would have simply "asked the Oracle"....Googled it, ya'know? I no longer have access to Google or the internet or my iphone or MacBook Pro. Surprisingly, at this moment, I don't miss my old digital world. It's inconvenient at times but overall I feel liberated from that electronic leash. Every now and then, I will hear a sound like that of my iphone vibrating. It is amazing but no matter what I am doing, I involuntarily stop and reach for my iphone. I'm NOT exaggerating...I don't actually drool yet I feel a bit like one of Pavlov's dogs! In the hush of this early morning hour, I read, write and ponder my circumstance..."Why am I here?". I suppose that in the comfort of my own "home", I could have (should have!) asked that same question. BUT I was always too busy! I want the remainder of my life (hopefully a few more decades) to have meaning. I'm not sure what that means but, as I daily consider the question, the out-of-focus future is beginning to sharpen with details, revealing my "new path". I am both excited and terrified! What's that expression (and where is Google?)? God never gives you more than you can handle. Whatever this unknown future is, I hope I am up to the task. This pre-dawn experience gives me time to take stock of my life...warts and all. Who said, An unexamined life is an unlived life (or something like that)?? Well, I am examining! I don't always like what I see; yes, I have regrets. There are chasms next to the trail I have walked and times where I've lost my moral compass. Yet there are brilliant valleys overflowing with the most beautiful wildflowers AND snow-covered peaks glowing a soft pink as the Mt. Rainier I recall. Okay...that's it for now. I'm going to read for an hour or so before the tribe wakes - before the cacophony starts...maybe I should think of it as a symphony tho' a little out of tune. HAH! 6:00 PM Twelve hours later and all's quiet in "the tank". :) I'm not sure what happened or how it happened but the day has been cheerful. After the argument this morning, all the usual suspects returned to their bunks until lunch. It was serene all day - WOW!! I had a fantastic mindfulness meditation around 2 PM...no interruptions, no noises, no TV blaring. I have a theory about this. It might have something to do with my practice of Ho'oponopono. I'll say a bit more about this in the future. But, for now, if you're interested, consult "the Oracle"....aka Google it! A note about Turkey Day Dinner? Most of the tribe had turkey with a little gravy, yams, cranberries, mixed vegetables, a roll and pumpkin pie topped with whipped cream. I had the vegetarian tray: same as above but swap the turkey for a Garden Burger and the pumpkin pie for apricots. Really the only things missing were the scent of baking bread and that joy full sound of friends sharing a meal...and, of course, I desperately wish I was sharing today with my lovely wife. Next year, we will go for a walk along a path I know outside Port Angeles. This time of year the trail is a carpet of yellow and red maple leaves...the big leaf maples...the size of an LP record (or a dinner plate for you youngsters!). That's it for this installment. Hope you are all well and rejoicing in things just as they are. |
AuthorPatrick Michael Leonard Archives
August 2020
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