1:00 AM FINALLY drifted off around 1:00 AM. Woke at 5:00 AM for breakfast, then bac, to sleep til 11:00ish! Mmmm...seems I am joining the tribal schedule I have observed all these weeks! I'm still staving off melancholy yet beginning to feel better. The morning light and the view of Mt. Rainier thru the "slit window" always helps my mood.
I thought I had worked my way through the phases of grief. If memory serves, there are five phases: denial, anger, negotiation, depression and acceptance. (I don't have reference material so if this is wrong, please forgive. The author of the scheme is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Google her if you want to know more.)
When I was "booked", fingerprinted and photo'd, I was in full-blown DENIAL. I refused to accept the facts. I kept saying to myself "This can't be happening! Not to me!". It took a while, maybe a week but I finally "accepted" the fact that I was in jail. Then I got pissed!! Buried within denial is shame and embarrassment. When I write my memoir, I will have to include this disgraceful chapter. Sometimes I think of this piece of my history as a life NOT well lived. AND sometimes, it feels like I'm in a character-building stage of my life! (Smiley face emoticon goes here!) I hope I have enough years ahead of me to put this event so far behind me that it will seem and feel small. This experience does not define who I am any more than my Master's degree, altho' I used to think it did.
In Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, he narrates a scene from what feels like an Arthur Miller play:
We are never left with nothing as long as we retain the freedom to choose how we will respond.
I will write about the next couple of "grief phases" in my next blog. I just re-read this blog and it looks like I shot off on a tangent...oooops! Try to see it as a "stream of consciousness" exercise on my part.
That's to be expected.
We may even be eager to try ourselves out, to discover how capable we really are. - Louis Bisch